When life doesn't feel real.
I was diagnosed with stage 3 invasive breast cancer in September. Since that time, I've endured 3 rounds of dose dense chemotherapy.
When I have a moment to sit and think about how my life has changed over the last few weeks, it doesn't feel real.
It's as if chemo, sickness, tiredness, frailty all belong to some other girl, not me.
It feels like I'm sitting on the sideline, distanced, watching, mouth agape at what is happening to this girl I used to know, but now, I don't even recognize.
I see the toll it is taking on my family.
Sean wouldn't dare say it or complain, but he is working his ass off to care for both me and the girls. He gets no down time, no break.
He sees it all. The pain, the tears, the isolation.
I'm grateful for him.
He's the only one I feel I don't have to hide from. I can be me. I don't have to put on a brave face.
My children. They don't understand what is happening to me or why.
Millie tells me daily that the only thing she wants for Christmas is for me to feel better. It wounds my heart, but I smile and tell her, wouldn't that be nice.
Autumn is such a trooper. She is so aware of things that might hurt my feelings and is sensitive about what she will say to me, or what she hears others say TO me. I have no idea where this sensitive side came from. Have you met me or Sean??? In light of our current circumstances, I wonder if this side of her was always there, just below the surface and this cancer stuff brought it out, or if it just simply changed her.
I don't want to sound all doom and gloom because I certainly do not feel that way (again, have you met me? My middle name is Hope and for good reason), but I have moments where I just feel glum and need to get it out.
I would kill to have a friend to lean on instead of further burdening Sean, but what can I say, he gets me. He probably knows what I'm thinking before I do.
I begin to think about when will this feeling of being sidelined subside. What will be left of me when I get to the other side of whatever is the other side.
Am I the girl that will forever be marked by cancer?
Will I ever be anything else?
When I have a moment to sit and think about how my life has changed over the last few weeks, it doesn't feel real.
It's as if chemo, sickness, tiredness, frailty all belong to some other girl, not me.
It feels like I'm sitting on the sideline, distanced, watching, mouth agape at what is happening to this girl I used to know, but now, I don't even recognize.
I see the toll it is taking on my family.
Sean wouldn't dare say it or complain, but he is working his ass off to care for both me and the girls. He gets no down time, no break.
He sees it all. The pain, the tears, the isolation.
I'm grateful for him.
He's the only one I feel I don't have to hide from. I can be me. I don't have to put on a brave face.
My children. They don't understand what is happening to me or why.
Millie tells me daily that the only thing she wants for Christmas is for me to feel better. It wounds my heart, but I smile and tell her, wouldn't that be nice.
Autumn is such a trooper. She is so aware of things that might hurt my feelings and is sensitive about what she will say to me, or what she hears others say TO me. I have no idea where this sensitive side came from. Have you met me or Sean??? In light of our current circumstances, I wonder if this side of her was always there, just below the surface and this cancer stuff brought it out, or if it just simply changed her.
I don't want to sound all doom and gloom because I certainly do not feel that way (again, have you met me? My middle name is Hope and for good reason), but I have moments where I just feel glum and need to get it out.
I would kill to have a friend to lean on instead of further burdening Sean, but what can I say, he gets me. He probably knows what I'm thinking before I do.
I begin to think about when will this feeling of being sidelined subside. What will be left of me when I get to the other side of whatever is the other side.
Am I the girl that will forever be marked by cancer?
Will I ever be anything else?
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