The Jordans- Cherish, Sean, Autumn and Emelia

Tomorrow I go for round 4 of my dose dense chemotherapy. It is known in the cancer world as the red devil. I refuse to call it that. I'm not allowing a "red devil" to enter my body. The night before chemo is hard. I now know what is getting ready to happen. The pain. The nausea. It fills me with dread and I feel like a dead man walking. I'll be very picky about what food I eat today because the next three days, food will be a struggle. How do I get through the day before chemo? The last three rounds I exercised (1). I keep reminding myself that I am strong (2). Finally, I spend time in prayer (3). Psalm 139: 5-12 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the...

Running has always been an important part of my life. My doctors have all told me I should continue to exercise through chemo and believe it or not, IT really does help me to feel better. So Tuesday around 300 in the afternoon, it was beautiful outside. Sun was shining and the temperature was nice. I had been feeling really tired and I made a decision, go home and take a nap and risk staying up half the night, or go for a run with the dog, take a shower and sleep well. I decided on a run. I grab Dingo and put his choke chain on him. We head out. We got 3/4's of a mile from home to an area where new houses are being constructed. There were people in the houses working on them. We had just got to the end of the cul-de-sac and turned around heading up hill. Dingo heard a noise and turned to investigate. When he did so, he ran right into my feet. I lost my balance and for a moment, I thought I was going to catch myself. Then it seemed as if gravity plum smacked me in ...

I was diagnosed with stage 3 invasive breast cancer in September. Since that time, I've endured 3 rounds of dose dense chemotherapy. When I have a moment to sit and think about how my life has changed over the last few weeks, it doesn't feel real. It's as if chemo, sickness, tiredness, frailty all belong to some other girl, not me. It feels like I'm sitting on the sideline, distanced, watching, mouth agape at what is happening to this girl I used to know, but now, I don't even recognize. I see the toll it is taking on my family. Sean wouldn't dare say it or complain, but he is working his ass off to care for both me and the girls. He gets no down time, no break. He sees it all. The pain, the tears, the isolation. I'm grateful for him. He's the only one I feel I don't have to hide from. I can be me. I don't have to put on a brave face. My children. They don't understand what is happening to me or why. Millie tells...

I've gone back in forth in my mind a million times as to whether or not I should even write what I'm getting ready to write. When I think really hard about it, the truth is, I need to write it. I need the essence of who I am to be preserved somewhere. How I came to the decisions that I did, where my mind was at, where my heart was at in it. I need something that my children can look back on and try to understand me, or at least the essence of me. This tale begins about a month ago. I found a lump in my left breast while I was in the shower. I always do my breast exams in the shower. I'm pretty faithful about it too. About once a month or so, I check around and make sure I don't feel anything weird. That isn't easily done, you see, I have lumpy breasts, so I really don't know what I'm looking for. Lumpy breasts run in my family. This one particular day, about a month ago, I felt something that felt weird to me, but I was unsure about it. ...

From the time I was in middle school, I always knew in my heart I would go to college. I spent most of middle school and high school trying to figure out HOW I was going to go to college. Enter the Air Force. Skip ahead 15 or 20 years and I'm closing in rapidly on my Bachelor's degree. I will be the first person in my family to go to college and attain a degree. When someone from school posed the question to me, what about staying and working on your master's, I laughed it off. No, I have plans that include moving to Washington, but what was really bothering me was do I even have what it takes to get a Master's degree? In all that time growing up and in my adult years, it never once even dawned on me that I COULD get a Master's degree. This is the story of a girl who has fought her way through a world dominated by people that didn't believe in her. A girl that grew up thinking that girls could dream big, but that is all it would amount to, a dream ...

Yesterday when I picked Millie up from school she told me that Landon had stolen something from her. I asked her what did he steal, but she said she didn't see him take it. Cherish: So how do you know he took anything? Millie: Kaylee heard Damien dare Landon to steal something from my book bag and then saw him take something. Cherish: Mrs Taylor will take care of it in the morning. Millie: I think he took my pencil case because Kaylee said it was something long. Cherish: We will let Mrs Taylor handle it in the morning. This morning. Millie, put your glasses on. Millie: (Looks in book bag) They aren't in my book bag. Aha moment! I think we know what happened to your glasses, but we should look around the house. We tore the house apart trying to find those glasses and they were just not showing up. We go to school. I talked to Mrs Taylor in the hallway. She recalled Millie telling her Landon was digging in her bag. Mrs Taylor to Landon: Did you go into Milli...

I guess I will share my stuff, and then yours.... Millie and Autumn are still giving me a bit of a hard time about bed time, but I'm resolved to get them to bed on time and get their bedtimes back on track. Autumn informed me this morning, "It is just easier when daddy is home. He yells at Millie until she does what she is supposed to do." The thing is, I cannot do it that way. It totally unnerves me to yell at the girl, although, I was not willing to allow her to make me late for my last final exam of the semester. She did get ready in time and it was fine. I've had a somewhat busy day, but also a somewhat relaxing day. I got to run/walk with Dingo. I met friends for lunch. Took my last final. Cooked dinner. Met up with and chatted with Tiffany (Autumn's teacher). My dad had surgery today. He's good. The girls are currently in Millie's lady bug tent, sleeping in the living room. All is well here. Dingo really loved this.... T...

I realize since my last post, so much has changed in my life. I'm upset with myself for not maintaining any sort of semblance with my blog. I'm working on it. I'm in school, full time and about one year away from graduating with a Bachelor of Science in Biology. This past week, I was in the Bahama's for an ecology course. The purpose of this ecology course is to give me field training. What did I learn from my trip in the Bahamas? I'm in the right degree track. For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a marine biologist. It has always seemed right out of my grasp. Odd since I grew up on the coast most of my life and even parts of my adult life. When we finally made it to Georgia, I thought I had it in the bag. The bad news: Columbus State University does not offer a degree in Marine Biology. I would have to move to Florida to do that. The good news: I can get a degree in biology and then specialize in aquatics as a graduate. ...