A word on domestic violence.
This post has been a long time coming. I believe one of the most difficult subjects I have yet to tackle on my blog. October is domestic violence awareness month. I have been thinking about what I'm going to say about it for several weeks now. For one, I want to make sure that what I say doesn't upset some of the people involved and for another, I try to keep my blog light hearted since it centers around my children and family life. Truth of the matter is that what happened to me and my mom when I was a child has affected every aspect of my life and it is an important part of who I am today. So with an open heart and trembling fingers, I'll try to share this story with you.
When I was a child, not much older than Autumn is now, I witnessed the brutal attack and rape of my mother. As I was growing up, I was so traumatized by this one event, that I blocked it from my mind. I guess what I am saying is that for many years, I had no idea the event took place or that I had actually witnessed it.
When I was a teenager and starting to date, the terrible events that took place when I was a toddler reared its ugly head. I began having what I thought were nightmares. I would wake up screaming for help, but had no voice. I could see shadows of things that did not make sense to me. One night, my mother heard me crying out in my sleep and came to me and asked me what was the matter. I began describing to her the dream that I was having over and over.
I told her that I saw a man hiding behind a door. I was in my crib, the door to my room was cracked and there was a small amount of light leaking in. Next thing I know, the hiding man pounced on my mother. I was screaming and crying because I knew what was happening to my mother was not right. I saw him beat her until she was nearly unconscious. She stopped moving. That is the last thing I remember.
After telling my mother this dream when I was sixteen years old, she was staring at me in horror. She explained to me that this was not a dream, that this actually happened to us and she had no idea that I would actually remember the event. The dreams continued on night after night and my mother found herself in rape counseling. My retelling the event to her brought back all the awful memories of what had happened that day.
To this day I still have nightmares, not as often, but they still fill me with so much fear. There are certain situations, smells, the way the light falls into a room, a mean look from a trusted person that can bring me back to a trembling toddler in an instant. It makes me feel powerless and like a victim. It makes you feel like you do not have a voice. You are not capable of protecting your mother, yourself.
I decided that I could not let that be. You see, even if you feel like you do not have a voice, it is not true. You do. You have to stand up and say enough. No, I could not stop what happened to my mother and oh how I wish I could, but I can stand here today and tell you that if you are in a situation where you are being abused- you must act. If you are telling yourself that your children will not remember it, they are not hurting them, they are only hurting you, I stand here and tell you YOU ARE WRONG.
As I look at Autumn, it pains me to think about what my mom went through. What I went through, especially since Autumn is nearly the age I was when the attack happened. It only takes me a moment to look into her eyes
and realize that as Autumn's mom, I cannot allow myself to be paralyzed with fear from the events of that day. I have to do my best to make sure that something like that doesn't happen in our lives. Not only do we have an obligation to stand up, fight for and protect our children, but we must stand up for ourselves.
I am not going to sit here and tell you that I'm a healed person and that the events that took place that day do not bother me still. You see, they do. It still affects almost every relationship in my life. I cannot explain to you how grateful I am for my family. Without Sean, I do not know where on earth I would be right now. He is my rock, my protector, and my friend. He is there to hold me at night when I've had another flash back. He has made it his life's mission to protect our girls from harm too.
If you are in an abusive relationship, I urge you, be strong. Make the right choices for yourself and your children.
To my mother. I am so sorry about what happened to you that day. You have no idea how much I wish I could take it away. Thank you for leaving him. Thank you for taking care of us and allowing us to heal together. Thank you for finding dad. Thank you for you.
Love, your eldest.
The Jordan's.
When I was a child, not much older than Autumn is now, I witnessed the brutal attack and rape of my mother. As I was growing up, I was so traumatized by this one event, that I blocked it from my mind. I guess what I am saying is that for many years, I had no idea the event took place or that I had actually witnessed it.
When I was a teenager and starting to date, the terrible events that took place when I was a toddler reared its ugly head. I began having what I thought were nightmares. I would wake up screaming for help, but had no voice. I could see shadows of things that did not make sense to me. One night, my mother heard me crying out in my sleep and came to me and asked me what was the matter. I began describing to her the dream that I was having over and over.
I told her that I saw a man hiding behind a door. I was in my crib, the door to my room was cracked and there was a small amount of light leaking in. Next thing I know, the hiding man pounced on my mother. I was screaming and crying because I knew what was happening to my mother was not right. I saw him beat her until she was nearly unconscious. She stopped moving. That is the last thing I remember.
After telling my mother this dream when I was sixteen years old, she was staring at me in horror. She explained to me that this was not a dream, that this actually happened to us and she had no idea that I would actually remember the event. The dreams continued on night after night and my mother found herself in rape counseling. My retelling the event to her brought back all the awful memories of what had happened that day.
To this day I still have nightmares, not as often, but they still fill me with so much fear. There are certain situations, smells, the way the light falls into a room, a mean look from a trusted person that can bring me back to a trembling toddler in an instant. It makes me feel powerless and like a victim. It makes you feel like you do not have a voice. You are not capable of protecting your mother, yourself.
I decided that I could not let that be. You see, even if you feel like you do not have a voice, it is not true. You do. You have to stand up and say enough. No, I could not stop what happened to my mother and oh how I wish I could, but I can stand here today and tell you that if you are in a situation where you are being abused- you must act. If you are telling yourself that your children will not remember it, they are not hurting them, they are only hurting you, I stand here and tell you YOU ARE WRONG.
As I look at Autumn, it pains me to think about what my mom went through. What I went through, especially since Autumn is nearly the age I was when the attack happened. It only takes me a moment to look into her eyes
and realize that as Autumn's mom, I cannot allow myself to be paralyzed with fear from the events of that day. I have to do my best to make sure that something like that doesn't happen in our lives. Not only do we have an obligation to stand up, fight for and protect our children, but we must stand up for ourselves.
I am not going to sit here and tell you that I'm a healed person and that the events that took place that day do not bother me still. You see, they do. It still affects almost every relationship in my life. I cannot explain to you how grateful I am for my family. Without Sean, I do not know where on earth I would be right now. He is my rock, my protector, and my friend. He is there to hold me at night when I've had another flash back. He has made it his life's mission to protect our girls from harm too.
If you are in an abusive relationship, I urge you, be strong. Make the right choices for yourself and your children.
To my mother. I am so sorry about what happened to you that day. You have no idea how much I wish I could take it away. Thank you for leaving him. Thank you for taking care of us and allowing us to heal together. Thank you for finding dad. Thank you for you.
Love, your eldest.
The Jordan's.
Comments
Aaron's biological dad was an alcoholic and he, his mom, and his little sister were all abused for a time. Finally, his mom had enough and as a young mom to two young children she left her husband and took a greyhound from PA to AL. The abuse affected my SIL terribly, and Aaron as well. But Aaron looked at his dad and made a decision a long time ago to provide an amazing life for his children and to do everything he can to protect them. I, in NO way, am thankful that anyone EVER has to be hurt so terribly, but I love the man my husband is and in that he and I can find peace with what HE went through.
Thank you for sharing this today.