January 10th

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January 10th always makes me pause to remember certain things. It is hard to believe that ten years ago today, I experienced one of the most emotional things I have ever endured, miscarriage. My due date was August 9th. A few weeks prior, I saw an emergency room doctor for possible complications with my pregnancy. The ER Dr said that everything looked fine and showed me the baby's heart beat. This was just before Christmas, then about two weeks later, I could barely walk. Sean had to carry me into the hospital because I was doubled over in pain and could not even walk. The Dr put me in a room and left me there. A short time later, I miscarried and I knew it. The hospital treated me with a cold, clinical callous. I don't know that it occurred to anyone other than me and Sean that our baby had just died.

I do not understand why these things happen, I only know that they do. I am sad that our baby died, but I came to an understanding about several things. One-No one can say the right thing to you to help you to feel better. I had to find solace within myself or with Sean. Two-Sean was just as hurt as I was even though he did not show it very well. Three-Sometimes things have to end in order for you to learn whatever it is that you need to learn. Sometimes it takes years to recognize what it is that you were supposed to learn. I am proud to say that I recognize that the Cherish that was 20 years old was not even slightly prepared for the trials of motherhood.

Today, I can take a moment to pause and remember the pain, but I can also take stock in what I have now. The child that was lost is and always has been in heaven, right where he or she belongs.

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