Wave of Light
Thursday, October 15th is National Pregnancy Loss Awareness day. It isn't an easy subject to talk about, but I have found over the years that opening up and discussing it not only helps me, but helps others who have experienced a loss as well.
I have had two miscarriages, one was ten years ago, the other nine. There is no way to describe the way you feel when you see or hear your baby's heartbeat for the very first time to only have that feeling taken away the day you realize you are having a miscarriage. You have all these hopes and dreams and suddenly, they are just gone. For a long time, I was angry at God. I felt like he did this thing to me, that he could have saved my babies, but he let them die. I remember praying like crazy that everything would be OK, but to my dismay, I lost the babies anyway.
To add insult to injury, friends and family with well meaning intentions say the most insensitive things. "God must have known you weren't ready" or "it wasn't in his plans for you to be a mother yet". If God thought I wasn't ready, why did he let me get pregnant in the first place and honestly, is anybody ever really truly prepared to be a mother. Or how about the friend who said to me she would rather have a miscarriage than to not be able to get pregnant at all? I personally found that comment the most insulting and hurtful.
Then there are the doctors, with their clinical terms and abrasive bed side manner. Basically, until you have had three miscarriages, they do not care why your body "aborted" the baby. Imagine my surprise when I looked through my medical records and discovered the words "missed abortion" or "abortion". I was horrified, but medically speaking, that is what it is called.
Now that some time has passed, I can say this. I am no longer mad at God. I still do not understand why I had two miscarriages, but I do not believe it was something God did to me. Something just did not go right, my body recognized that and terminated the pregnancy. Does it still bother me? Yes. Do I still think about the children I have lost? Yes. I wonder what they would have been, boy or girl- how old they would be, etc. I think about that often. I still cry for them. I know that one day, I will get to meet these children in heaven and for now, that is enough.
Ten years ago, I could have never predicted what my life would be like today. While there is sadness in my loss, there is happiness too. I MUST take stock in all that I have today. A very loving husband, a wonderful savage girl, three cats, great parents and sisters, wonderful in-laws. The list goes on. That is how I survive day to day. I acknowledge the sad parts, but I take joy in the good parts.
This is the biggest source of my joy and I love her so much.
If you have experienced a loss during pregnancy, please join me this evening in the lighting of a candle (or candles) at 7 pm in your time zone. Women from all around the globe will be participating in the Wave of Light. For any of you who are still considering trying to conceive, do not lose hope, you never know what the future may bring.
http://pregnancyloss.info/
I have had two miscarriages, one was ten years ago, the other nine. There is no way to describe the way you feel when you see or hear your baby's heartbeat for the very first time to only have that feeling taken away the day you realize you are having a miscarriage. You have all these hopes and dreams and suddenly, they are just gone. For a long time, I was angry at God. I felt like he did this thing to me, that he could have saved my babies, but he let them die. I remember praying like crazy that everything would be OK, but to my dismay, I lost the babies anyway.
To add insult to injury, friends and family with well meaning intentions say the most insensitive things. "God must have known you weren't ready" or "it wasn't in his plans for you to be a mother yet". If God thought I wasn't ready, why did he let me get pregnant in the first place and honestly, is anybody ever really truly prepared to be a mother. Or how about the friend who said to me she would rather have a miscarriage than to not be able to get pregnant at all? I personally found that comment the most insulting and hurtful.
Then there are the doctors, with their clinical terms and abrasive bed side manner. Basically, until you have had three miscarriages, they do not care why your body "aborted" the baby. Imagine my surprise when I looked through my medical records and discovered the words "missed abortion" or "abortion". I was horrified, but medically speaking, that is what it is called.
Now that some time has passed, I can say this. I am no longer mad at God. I still do not understand why I had two miscarriages, but I do not believe it was something God did to me. Something just did not go right, my body recognized that and terminated the pregnancy. Does it still bother me? Yes. Do I still think about the children I have lost? Yes. I wonder what they would have been, boy or girl- how old they would be, etc. I think about that often. I still cry for them. I know that one day, I will get to meet these children in heaven and for now, that is enough.
Ten years ago, I could have never predicted what my life would be like today. While there is sadness in my loss, there is happiness too. I MUST take stock in all that I have today. A very loving husband, a wonderful savage girl, three cats, great parents and sisters, wonderful in-laws. The list goes on. That is how I survive day to day. I acknowledge the sad parts, but I take joy in the good parts.
This is the biggest source of my joy and I love her so much.
If you have experienced a loss during pregnancy, please join me this evening in the lighting of a candle (or candles) at 7 pm in your time zone. Women from all around the globe will be participating in the Wave of Light. For any of you who are still considering trying to conceive, do not lose hope, you never know what the future may bring.
http://pregnancyloss.info/
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